Forgiveness versus Reconciliation

She said she was sorry for at least the tenth time. Each time that I forgive, she changes for a little while but then goes right back to her old behavior. I know I am supposed to forgive as I am a Christian.

Does the above sound familiar? I encounter people all the time who are trying to forgive when they have been hurt repeatedly by the same person. We are to forgive right? Yes, but there a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Many people withhold forgiveness because they believe they have to immediately trust the person that has hurt them, and form a relationship with them again.

Forgiveness does not = Reconciliation.

Forgiveness is instant, but rebuilt trust and reconciliation takes time. Reconciliation can only happen if there is true repentance, that is not just saying the words, “I’m sorry,” but through a change in behavior. God does command us to forgive others, but He never told us to keep trusting those who repeatedly violate our trust. In fact, Jesus understood that not all humans are trustworthy.

Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in Him. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell Him what mankind is really like. John 2:23-25.

Sometimes people live with resentment and bitterness because there has been confusion about forgiveness and trust.

If there is a desire to restore a relationship, communication is key. Issues have to be brought up and discussed, otherwise, that same pattern of repeated behaviors that has hurt you, will happen again and again. Someone has to stop the crazy cycle. If the offending person will not communicate with you, then you will not be able to have a true relationship built on trust with that person.

The glue that holds relationships together is trust and communication.

Forgiveness does not mean letting someone “off the hook.” It means holding people accountable for their behavior. Confronting in love when necessary.

Forgiveness does not mean we let the offense happen over and over again. If someone has repeatedly hurt you, that does not mean that because you forgave them to allow them to continue to hurt you.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. We can forgive someone even if we cannot be in a relationship with them.

Forgiveness can be a process. Sometimes it takes time to work through all the pain associated with the person who has hurt us. Be gentle with yourself during this process, but make sure no bitterness, unresolved anger, or revenge sneaks in.

Forgiveness means letting go of the anger and resentment. Letting go of these does not mean automatic trust, it means not holding onto grudges and past offenses.

Reconciliation is focused on restoring broken relationships. Those who repeatedly commit offenses must be willing to recognize that reconciliation is a process. If there is genuine repentance, they will understand that broken trusts takes time to heal.

Words alone are not sufficient enough to rebuild trust that leads to reconciliation. In other words just saying, “I didn’t mean to hurt you or I’m sorry,” is not enough for trust to happen. It is wise to look at the offender’s actions or behavior as well as listen to the offender’s words. Displays of tears or appearing to be sorry must not be the substitutes for confession and repentance, and a turning away from hurtful behavior.

Reconciliation can take place when the hurtful behaviors cease. If you continue to observe the same hurtful actions by the offender there cannot be a true reconciliation.

After you have forgiven someone that has hurt you, at some point you will have to decide if it right to reconcile with them. Repentance is not just an apology, it is turning away from one’s hurtful ways. At some point you may need to interact with the person that has hurt you to see if they have truly changed, or perhaps you can listen to what others are saying about their behavior first. At other times you can just ask the Holy Spirit to show you their true intentions. Don’t be pressured to extend trust if you have not observed trustworthy behaviors. Pray for the one who has hurt you. This will be a way to keep anger and bitterness out of your spirit.

Is there someone you need to forgive? For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins, Matthew 6:14-15.

How will you know when it is time to move beyond forgiveness to trust and reconciliation?

15 Healthy Ways to Reduce Stress

Stress can be defined as a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.

Stress is not always bad, but when it becomes overwhelming it can affect your health, your mood, your productivity, and your relationships. Since our bodies do not distinguish between daily stressors and traumatic life events, your body will still react to daily stressors as if you are facing a life and death situation. When you face repeatedly stressful events, it can increase your blood pressure, put you at risk for heart attack or stroke, lowers your immune system, and can lead to irregular menstrual cycles in women.

Everyone experiences stress differently. What may cause stress in one person’s life, may not cause any stress in another person’s life. Your ability to tolerate stress depends on many factors such as a supportive network (family and friends), your attitude and outlook, and knowledge about the stressful situation (such as how long it may last and what to expect).

Causes of stress:

1.      Work related-heavy workload, poor management, and working long hours.

2.      Family related-the death of a loved one, divorce, wayward child, infertility, adoption, getting married, taking care of a family member, lack of family support, and any type of relational difficulty.

3.      Our attitudes and perceptions about life circumstances-how you view what happens in your life can impact how much stress affects you.

4.      Fear and uncertainty (the unknown). Not knowing what may happen, especially if you have been through a previous trauma or crisis.

5.      Being too busy, taking on other people’s responsibilities, and not taking any time for yourself.

6.      Internal causes-negativity, chronic worry, unrealistic expectations/perfectionism, and rigid thinking (lack of flexibility).

Now that we know some of the causes and consequences of stress, how can one reduce tension?

15 healthy ways to reduce stress:

1.      Physical exercise. Walking, running, swimming, and dancing are particularly great stress reducers. Exercise releases endorphins that boost your mood.

2.      Get plenty of sleep. Sleep is restorative to our immune system.

3.      Eat a healthy diet. Skip on alcohol, nicotine, and take a multi-vitamin.

4.      Spend time in nature. Talking a relaxing walk in nature or just observing nature can be very soothing to our minds.

5.      Spend time with God, praying, singing, and journaling. Meditate on scriptures that apply to your situation.

6.      Drink a cup of tea, try green tea, Kava Kava or Chamomile tea.

7.      Read a good book.

8.      Watch a comedy, laughter truly is good medicine.

9.      Do something you enjoy every day.

10.  Reframe the stressful situation by focusing on the positives or the good in the situation.

11.  Breathe deeply. Taking a deep breathe can lower the stress hormone cortisol.

12.  Take a warm bath and light some scented candles.

13.  Maintain a grateful attitude by focusing on your blessings not the stress. Write out daily at least 5 things that you are thankful for.

14.  Accept the things that are out of your control or that you cannot change.

15.  Do an art project-painting, building, or redesigning.

While it can be healthy to have some stress in your life, too much can be detrimental to your health. Finding healthy ways to manage stress is key to improving your ability to cope when difficulties arise.

Run to the feet of Jesus when you are overwhelmed and stressed, and He will show you what you need to do specifically to rid yourself of your stress.

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30.

What can you do today to eliminate the stress in your life? Be proactive and find at least 1 thing from the above list and start today reducing your stress.

Feeling Stuck?

Are there hopes and desires that you once had, and now there somewhere in the distance? Maybe you have tried to step out many different times, only to see things crumble and lay by the waste side. Perhaps, you’re tired of trying to get back up again, and you feel you’re your hope has been deferred one too many times. So, now you feel stuck, stuck to go forward and try again. You may feel what the point in trying again is.

You may be in a season in your life where you feel stuck; you can’t go back but you’re not moving forward either. Let’s explore some reasons why you may feel stuck.

               

You may feel stuck but in fact you are not, God has you in the transition of waiting until the next season opens up. It could be that it is not time to move forward, yet you feel antsy in your flesh to move ahead. There is a grace and a flow when it is time to move ahead with the things of God, and when it’s not it feels like you are in quicksand and cannot move no matter how much you want to.

You might feel like you have tried many times before to mend a relationship, start a ministry or business, heal an old wound, break free from addiction and sin, get out of debt, or just enjoy your life, but each time you try it seems to fail. This has caused you to feel hopeless and like a failure. You have become tired and weary in the trying, and now it is comfortable and convenient to stay where you are.

Maybe you just don’t know what to do. You don’t know whether to go left or to go right or stay in the middle. You don’t have clear direction about moving forward, yet you desire to go forward; you have become tired of the waiting.

There could be resistance from the enemy. The enemy has seen your potential and is trying to defeat and discourage you, and thwart the plans that God has for you. You listen to the lies of the enemy and you stay bound where you are at.

What are you to do when you are stuck?

1.       Detach from your regular routine. Take time and step away and gain perspective and vision from God. Get a journal and ask God to give you a new vision. Even if you feel like you have already done this before.

2.       As with Jonah (read Jonah Chapter 3), he ran away from God and his calling, but God was giving him a second chance in God’s work. You may feel as though you are disqualified from serving God because of your past mistakes, but God may be giving you a second chance. Believe God is not done with you, no matter how many mistakes and failures that you have had.

3.       If you feel you can’t go back to the past but not able to go forward yet, seek God and ask Him to you if you are in a transition period before your new season comes. Many people do not like to wait for things, and if you are truly in a waiting and transitioning season then it is important to wait on God for His leading.

4.       As you live your life for God, determine not to trust in your own strength or abilities. Sometimes, we are fearful to move forward because we believe we can’t, not realizing it is not us but God that can. Do what you can now, even if it seems small and insignificant because God rejoices in what is right not necessarily what is big. Be faithful right where you are, and whatever God has given you to do now. Begin where you are at and do what you can, and leave the results to God. Don’t try and force promotion, recognition, your ministry, or even change. Let God on His time promote and give if He sees fit. Reframe your mind. Do not despise the small beginnings. Rethink your new opportunities, even if you feel they are small, and prayerfully consider that God may have you exactly where He wants you.

5.       Don’t compare yourself where you are at in life to where others are at in life. This will cause you to move ahead of God’s timing, or resent where you are at now. There is a season for everything, and a time for everything.

6.       Be willing to release and let go of your past and as the Holy Spirit leads you to move forward. Leaving the past behind you may feel sadness, depression, isolation, and loneliness, these negative feelings may cause you to cling to your past because it’s too painful to let go. Ask the Holy Spirit what you need to let go in your past.

7.       Be free and at peace to wait for God to open the door of new opportunity, and step out when He gives new opportunities.

Embrace new opportunities and see them as second chances from God. If fear has a tightening grip around you to move forward, know that God is not sending you fear. Be strong and very courageous. Never think it is over, God is in the business of do-overs. 

9 Reasons to Change your Attitude

Did you know that attitudes are important to God?

Attitudes are usually formed through our interactions with others and our reactions to our circumstances. An attitude is a pattern of thinking formed over a long period of time. God holds each one of us responsible for our attitudes, not what others did to us. You always have a choice in how you react to what happens in your life. If your family or friends or negative, you do not have to react to their negativity. If someone does something upsetting, you can chose to remain calm and in control. A bad attitude about life and others can lead to complaining, murmuring, fault-finding, thanklessness, criticism, joylessness, lack of peace, and discontentment.

To change your attitude you have to change your beliefs. The main cause of a bad attitude is wrong beliefs about life.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the lest of human freedoms to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

~Victor Frankl, Holocaust survivor

Why do I need to change my attitude?

1.      People with a positive attitude tend to enjoy life more and are generally happier.

2.      Negative attitudes affects others. No one wants to be around a negative person. Negative attitudes can ruin relationships.

3.      Negative attitudes produces negative circumstances. If we think negatively about a situation or person, eventually we will give power to those thoughts.

4.      Maintaining a negative attitude will drain you of physical energy. Becoming angry, upset, or frustrated can release negative emotions that can cause tiredness and a weak immune system. Chronic stress from negative attitudes disrupts the body’s hormone balance and depletes the brain chemicals responsible for feel-good emotions.

5.      A positive attitude helps you to be an overcomer when the adversities of life come.

6.      Having a poor attitude will cause you to look at life from the perspective of “the glass half empty.” This can cause you to point out the negatives in situations instead of trying to find the positives.

7.      A person with a negative attitude blames others for their difficulties, and they wallow in self-pity. A victim mentality will develop in people if they do not take responsibility for their own lives.

8.      A positive attitude is infectious, but a negative attitude can be contagious. Be careful who you are spending your time with. Too much time with a pessimistic person can affect your outlook on life. Being around encouraging and uplifting people with good attitudes brings a boost to your outlook in life.

9.      A positive attitude will reduce negative emotions, and help you recover from negative experiences quicker like trauma and loss.

Changing your attitude takes time!

Don’t give up the first day or weeks if you are trying to change your attitude. A new habit can take anywhere from 30-60 days to form, and sometimes even longer.

To get you started on having a better attitude:

1.      Focus on your strengths more than your weaknesses.

2.      Daily list or say verbally at least five things that you are thankful for-cultivate a heart of gratitude.

3.      Find the positives in negative or difficult circumstances-reframe your thoughts such as, “winter is not my favorite season, but I can look forward to cozy nights at home with the fireplace going.”

4.      Create a morning ritual that is infuses a positive outlook such as reciting your favorite scripture or exercising to release feel-good endorphins.

5.      Monitor what you watch on TV, computer, or what you read-garbage in garbage out.

6.      Stop negative thought immediately. Negative thoughts will come and in the beginning of change you may even have an increase in negative thoughts. Replace those negative thought immediately with the truth in God’s Word.

7.      To maintain a positive attitude take time to recharge your batteries and do things that you enjoy.

You can CHOOSE your attitude! When something happens in your life that is unpleasant, you can choose whether it’s a positive or negative experience.

It is not what happens to us in life, but how we react to what happens to us that will determine our attitude.

Keeping a good attitude starts first with our thoughts.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:8

What areas from your life can you identify with having a good attitude or a negative attitude?

Tips for Improving Your Mental Health

When we think of New Year’s resolutions, usually it is to improve our physical health, however, maintaining good mental and emotional habits are just as important. If you have had a challenging year in 2015, it is time to reevaluate why and what you can do differently for 2016. Being mentally healthy means that you have a sense of wellbeing, you are able to function with everyday life and meet challenges in confidence.

Risk factors that can compromise your emotional health:

1.                  Poor connection/attachment to your primary caregiver early in life.

2.                  Childhood trauma and/or early losses through death, divorce, etc.

3.                  Learned helplessness. Believing that you are helpless and can do little to change your situations.

4.                  Physical illness that is long-term or debilitating.

5.                  Substance abuse. This can lead to initially having a release of “feel good” chemicals, but the long-term effects of chronic use can deplete these chemicals.

All of these risk factors can be counteracted with protective factors. There are steps that you can take to improve your emotional wellbeing. Your brain can actually manufacture its own “feel good” chemicals, called endorphins.

In addition to exercise, endorphins can be released naturally by:

1.      Eating chocolate, but choose dark chocolate. Chocolate contains the endorphin anandamide, which helps you relax. Eat (1) 4oz. piece daily.

2.      Find ways to laugh. The act of laughing helps you feel good instantly.

3.      Smiling, but only a true smile will do.

4.      Eating spicy foods.

5.      Thinking positive, and limiting unhealthy mental habits like worrying. Negative thoughts drain your energy and trigger feelings of anxiety, fear, and depression.

6.      Exposure to 10-15 minutes of daily sunlight.

7.      Use all of your senses. View beautiful artwork, listen to your favorite music, smell your favorite scents, or walk barefoot.

8.      Interacting with others that are healthy and positive for you.

9.      Engage in creative work, such as painting, building, gardening, or writing.

10.  Take time to enjoy life and do things that simulate you such as a walk in the park, going to the movies, or reading a book.

11.  Volunteer or be active in your community/church.

12.  Rest and refresh. Sleep restores your mind as well as your body. However, feelings of fatigue will set in if you are constantly rushed and overwhelmed. Allow yourself to have unfocused time each day to refresh.

People who are emotionally healthy are in control of their emotions.

Ask yourself these following questions to see if you need a boost in your emotional health?

1.      Do you have a sense of contentment?

2.      Are you able to enjoy life, have times of fun and relaxation, and not take life so seriously?

3.      Can you bounce back from setbacks/difficulties fairly quickly?

4.      Do you have meaning and purpose in your life?

5.      Are your relationships healthy? And do you have times of social interaction with them?

6.      Are you flexible with change?

7.      Do you have a balance of work, play, rest, and time with God?

8.      Do you think positive about yourself?

If you answered yes to most of the questions above, you can more readily cope when faced with life’s challenges and stresses. Being emotionally and mentally healthy does not mean that you will never go through tough times or experience emotional problems. We can still at times feel sadness, anxiety and stress. The difference is your ability to bounce back after adversity, and not remain stuck in the hardships. This ability is called resilience. People who have resilience have “tools” for coping in difficult times. They are able to stay focused, flexible, and maintain a good outlook.

Are you ready for a healthier mental/emotional you for 2016? Let me know about it.

John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts by troubled, and do not let them be afraid.”

How to Discern the Voice of God

We are bombarded daily with thoughts that come into our minds, but how can we know when it is God speaking to us?

Comparisons of God’s voice and the enemy’s voice:

·        God speaks in a still, small voice.

The enemy speaks loudly, intrusively, and obsessively.

·        God’s voice is heard through our spirit or deep within us.

The enemy’s voice is heard through our soul or our mind, will, emotions, and intellect.

·        God leads gently.

The enemy leads with urgency and impulsiveness.

·        God’s voice brings peace.

The enemy’s voice brings confusion, anxiousness, and worry.

           

·        God directs us to repentance that brings restoration and hope.

The enemy speaks condemnation and hopelessness over our sin and weakness.

·        God gives clear direction.

The enemy speaks a problem to us but does not show how to solve or rectify the problem.

·        God speaks life to us and things that bring life.

The enemy speaks destruction, discouragement, despair, defeat, and death.

·        What God speaks to us can be verified in scripture.

The enemy speaks half-truths and lies that cannot be supported by God’s Word.

·        When God speaks we always see a way out of our problems or circumstances.

When the enemy speaks he brings pressure and we feel backed into a corner.

·        When God speaks to us we will be encouraged, inspired, and motivated.

When the enemy speaks we feel burdened, weighed down, and lack creativity.

God speaks to our spirits, deep within us, but when the enemy speaks we can hear that voice in our minds or our souls. Have you ever had an intrusive thought just pop up in your mind? Next thing you know you are obsessing over that thought. That thought originated in your mind or soul, not in your spirit and most likely if you feed that thought by coming into agreement with it, you will lose your peace and joy.

When thoughts are put into our minds by the enemy and they are not submitted to Christ and we mull over them and entertain those thoughts, we can feel pretty emotionally unbalanced. If the enemy can get us to believe the thoughts that he sends us, we will eventually begin to act on these thoughts.

►Thoughts precede emotions (behavior). If the enemy can get you to think his thoughts, it will not be long before you begin acting them out.

Discipline your mind to take every thought captive and submit them to Christ immediately. Not every thought that comes into your mind is good or from God. The battlefield is in the mind. You can CHOOSE the thoughts that come into your mind, but you must know where those thoughts have originated from. It is almost like you need a filing system in your mind. Here is how it goes:

►Filing system for your thoughts.

When a thought comes into your mind, immediately check it. Does it sound like it is coming from God? If you are unsure, go back and review the above checklist for knowing God’s voice. If the thought is from God, keep it in your mind and then store it in your “filing system,” to bring back later to encourage you and remind you of what God spoke to you. Keep in mind that God does discipline us when we need it, BUT you will never feel condemned or that your sin is just too great for God to forgive. God makes our sins aware to us and areas that need to be discarded to restore and heal us.

If you have a thought that is causing you to worry, stress, fear, doubt, bringing temptation, condemnation, discouragement, despair, defeat, or any other negative, death-producing thought; immediately submit it to Christ. Do not “file” that thought in your mind or store it for later to mull over. DELETE.DELETE.DELETE. Then REPLACE and mediate upon what God says. Don’t just have an “empty file system” in your mind, you must not have a passive mind. A passive mind that does not think good thoughts and thoughts of God is an open area for the enemy to place his thoughts into your mind.

Think of your thoughts as a filing system that has to be maintained, with thoughts that you will file and store for later, and thoughts you will not file and store away for later use. Some thoughts are useful to us, and others must be discarded immediately.

Our flesh has thoughts as well. Let’s face it, our flesh is weak and it wants what it wants. We can hear our flesh speaking through our minds. All fleshly thoughts must also be brought under submission to Christ. Why? Because our flesh may not totally sanctified and our flesh can be weak. The devil does not always make us sin, sometimes our flesh wants what it wants. There can be an open door to the enemy’s thoughts and suggestions even more if we are not taking our fleshly thoughts captive. Fleshy thoughts can be those areas of addiction, sexual immorality, greed, lust, and perversion.

God speaks life and you will feel hopeful, peaceful, forgiven, more than a conqueror, loved, valuable, motivated, creative, inspired, encouraged, uplifted, strong, confident, equipped, empowered, and worthy.

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. John 10:27

How to Effectively Handle Adjustments and Major Transitions

Adjustments and major transitions can be difficult, especially if you have problems with control. If something changes and you have an issue with control you can be easily side-swiped. It is important to take it one day at a time. You can’t say you will go here or do this tomorrow for certain because you do not know what will happen. We have to make adjustments and transitions they will go a lot smoother if we realize that we have to hold our plans loosely and be ready for change.

A definition from Wikipedia.com for adjustment is regulating, adapting or settling in a variety of contexts. If you are not able to adjust easily to transitions and changes it will create disequilibrium and unbalance in your mind, body, and spirit. You will begin to feel stress in all of these areas. When an adjustment needs to be made, in the beginning you may feel some stress, but then you need to enter into the flow of the Spirit of God. That means seizing all control and outcomes of the situation and trusting that God has a plan and He will work it out for you good. It means stop trying to figure out why and instead remaining calm and peaceful. Sometimes adjustment periods can take a while to work out. For instance if you have a step family, or your teenage daughter is pregnant and needs help, or even divorce. All are considered a crisis and all can pose a threat to our well-being. Under stress our bodies will either fight or flight, that means stay and fight or run away. Fight or flight usually seen in stressful or threatening circumstances. There may be a time to run, but from what I know of God He does not want us to stay running He wants us to rest and get up and fight.

Taking it one day at a time is the only way to stay and fight in your situation. If you decide to stay and fight you cannot project tomorrows fears and concerns. God gives you grace for each day, not stored up grace. So if you are living out on tomorrow’s grace, you will not survive the adjustment and transition period.

With any adjustment or major transition, eventually you will adapt and begin to learn new coping skills. It is amazing how God created us to cope and adapt in the most stressful of situations. So no matter what you are adjusting to, know that it is not permanent. Get up today, stop wallowing and having pity parties and say, “This too shall pass.” Nothing in life is ever permanent. As the seasons change, so does our lives. There is a season for everything. Though it may be painful and dark today, tomorrow is new and full of possibilities.

Rest in your adjustments and transitions. Hasah, is Hebrew for trust. It means taking refuge in God. Batah, means to have confidence in.

Hasah Batah, Trust, take refuge and have confidence in God.

And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, “Today, at the latest, tomorrow, we’re off to such and such a city for the year. We’re going to start a business and make a lot of money.” You don’t know the first thing about tomorrow. You’re nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, “If the Master wills and we’re still alive, we’ll do this or that.”

James 4:13-15, Message

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