Counselor's Corner: Freedom From Insecurity and People-Pleasing

Be a God pleaser, not a man pleaser.

Reflect and ponder: Are you more concerned with pleasing man than God? Do you seek the approval of others? At the core of people pleasing is insecurity. We can be insecure for a number of reasons. Insecurity can have roots stemming back from our childhood.

How do you know you are dealing with insecurity?

Here are some key signs insecurity may be a part of your life:

1.      You question everything you do. You are uncomfortable with decisions you make.

You look to others to decide what’s best for you.

2.      You lack confidence in speaking and having conversations with others, and social settings make you feel uneasy.

3.      You look to others to approve you and to validate you.

4.      You always believe you’re at fault and take the blame when things go wrong.

5.      You don’t know who you are in Christ. Your identity is based not on what God says about you, but on what others say about you.

6.      You believe what others say about you, whether good or bad.

7.      You are overly sensitive to needing others to approve of you and sensitive to criticism, even constructive criticism.

All these insecurities can lead to people pleasing and eventually lead to approval addiction. It is important that you know who you are in Christ, and that you allow the Holy Spirit to uncover your roots of insecurity so that you can be healed and function the way God intended. If you do not believe what God says about you, you will believe what others say about you. This is especially true of people that have been verbally/emotionally abused and verbally bullied by peers. Young people today are being “cyber bullied” and many young people succumb to these taunts and torments. These bullies are acting as agents and mouthpieces of the kingdom of darkness. God would never ridicule, torment or verbally abuse us.

People approval will lead you to do things that are not led by the Holy Spirit. So many people succumb to peer pressure, and not just young people. I have seen grown people succumb to the pressure of people in the church. If you are not lead by the Holy Spirit you will end up exhausted, frustrated, stressed and burnt-out. People will always want you to fulfill their agenda, but what is most important is what God wants you to do. You may have to say “No” to people and set boundaries. It is okay to say “No.” You have choices and you don’t have to lead by the feelings and desires of man, but instead God gives us wisdom and discernment to know what we should be involved in.

You are not called to be everywhere, do everything, and fulfill the wants of others. Ask yourself if you have peace. If peace is not involved, chances are God is not a part of it.

It is hard not to desire to be liked and approved of others, especially the ones we love and are closest to. We don’t want them to think bad of us or be angry at us. It does not matter what others say or think of you. Others are going to have their opinion about you, and a lot of times there is not a whole lot you can do about it.

If you continue to be judged, misunderstood, or just treated unfair because you’re setting boundaries and learning to say “No”, than it is a matter between them and God.

Key Characteristics of a People-Pleaser:

1.      More concerned about pleasing others than God or yourself.

2.      Not lead by peace but by emotions/feelings.

3.      Let others control and manipulate you.

4.      Easily influenced by what others want.

5.      Can’t say “No” to others demands or desires.

6.      Lack boundaries with others. Hard time separating self from others.

7.      Feel guilty if you ever do say “No.”

8.      Have issues with rejection, insecurity and fear.

9.      Don’t want anyone to be mad at you or disappointed in you, and you will go to great lengths to insure others are pleased with you.

10.  You are not free, and you are bound by others expectations of you.

11.  You are devastated if someone disapproves of something you have done or not done.

12.  The needs and well-being of others takes precedence over your needs and well-being.

Freedom from insecurity and people-pleasing comes from knowing and believing what Christ says about you, and allowing God to heal the roots of your insecurity. People do what they do for a reason. It is not enough to have head knowledge about what Christ says about you. You must believe what Christ says about you.

Counselor's Corner: Recharge Your Batteries

Unplug from the world and plug into Christ.

Some people live hectic and busy lives with no time for recharging. Our bodies can be compared to our electronic devices that need to get charged every day so that they won’t run-low and eventually die. Our bodies cannot function on go, go, go all the time. We must have times that we are able to recharge. Not having regular times of recharging can lead to stress-related issues such as high blood pressure, headaches, and insomnia.

God never intended for us to hustle and bustle continually.

Serving God is a good thing, but if you are at every function at church, and are at church “serving” every time the church doors open-you will burn out! What you do must be led by the Holy Spirit, not what everyone expects of you or what everyone else is performing. Following what everyone else is doing, often can get you into trouble. If you are “burning the candle” at both ends, some area in your life will suffer- your relationships, your health, and even your mental health.

Reflect and ponder: Are you too busy to take time to recharge? Not sure? Are you frequently tired, easily frustrated/annoyed, have a short-fuse, critical, feel tense/stress, have frequent headaches, or just can’t seem to unwind? If you answered yes to just (3) of the above, chances are you are needing to recharge more often.

Do you work a full-time job and serve full-time at church? If you answered yes, your life is out of balance and some area in your life is not thriving. Ministry, occupational or even relationship burn-out will eventually happen if you continue at the pace that you set for yourself. How can you recharge if you are either at work or at church? How can you be the best husband, wife, father, or mother if you are not recharged and “snapping” at everyone because you are tired, resentful, and frustrated? How can you hear God and spend intimate time with the Father if you’re too busy? If you are not recharging with the Father, you will not be able to be your best.

Effective ways to “Recharge Your Batteries:”

1.      Learn to say, “No.” You can’t be everywhere and be everything to everyone. Take time to say, “Yes,” to yourself. It’s okay to take care of yourself!

2.      Don’t overcommit yourself. Learn to balance your life. If you are working full-time, coach baseball, serve at church, attend a bible study group, are married and have children-your plate is already full! Where is your time to recharge? Your body cannot sustain at that pace for an extended period of time.

3.      Find daily time to carve out for connecting with God. You might say,” Well, I attend my bible study group or I attend church, that’s all I need.” True, these things can help, but alone time with the Father can bring stillness in your spirit and that brings refreshment to you.

4.      Have at least 30 minutes every day where you do something YOU ENJOY that can be a walk in your neighborhood, watching something funny on TV, reading a book, or taking a warm bubble bath.

5.      Unplug from your social media and phone at least 30 minutes before bed, an hour is preferable. Have times in the day or after work where you leave your phone in another room so that you are not obsessively checking who called, texted, retweeted your tweet, reposted your Facebook post, or pinned something on your Pinterest. How can you recharge with all the tweeting, texting, reposting, pinning, and checking emails?

6.      Take time off as needed, whether it is a small vacation, stay cation, half day, or an entire day to recharge and do things that you enjoy. Life is meant to be enjoyed. If you too busy to take some time off, your too busy!

MEDITATE ON THESE SCRIPTURES:

And on the seventh day God finished His work that He done, and He rested on the seventh day from all of His work that He had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because God rested from all His work that he had done. Genesis 2:2-3

Let us therefore strive to enter that rest, so that no one may fall by the same sort of disobedience. Hebrews 4:9-11