Thursday, April 27, 2017

Word of Encouragement from the Counselor’s Corner: How to Deal With Toxic Family


Families are supposed to be a place of support, love, and acceptance. Sometimes, however, family relationships can be the place where we experience the deepest hurt.

Sometimes we can spend years sacrificing our mental and spiritual health in harmful relationships under the notion that we have to because they are family.

Traits of a toxic person:

1.      Are abusive mentally, physically, sexually, or emotionally. When a relationship is based on manipulation, overt or covert; abuse is happening!
2.      The only contact you have with them is negative, or you get anxious of the thought of an encounter with them.
3.      The relationship creates so much stress affecting your work, home, and personal life.
4.      The relationship is one-sided, usually it is all about them and their needs.  
5.      When you do not give into their demands, silent treatment can happen and blaming.
6.      You feel worse after talking with them or being around them. They bring your energy level down.
7.      Create drama and chaos, and you get emotionally pulled-in to the whirlwind of emotions.
8.      You find yourself in a cycle of trying to fix, enable, and rescue them, and you end up frustrated because none has worked.
9.      Do not take responsibility for their actions, and blame others. .
10.  Create strife and division.
11.  Unforgiving and angry, sometimes even hostile.
12.  There is turmoil and confusion around them.
13.  Use others for their needs and benefits, regardless of the impact on others.
14.  Lie easily and it is difficult to know when they are telling the truth.
15.  Financially irresponsible, and expect you to bail them out of their poor choices.

If you have been involved with a toxic family member for years, letting go of them is not as easy as letting go of a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. But letting go is what may need to happen so you can gain your sanity back, and allow God to intervene. Try first to set healthy boundaries with your family, and if they break the boundary you implemented; set a consequence. If the boundaries you set for them are repeatedly being broken, or you are not seeing any real change; it may be time to step aside. Letting go may be for a season and not permanent.

Know your limitations and realize we are not superhuman. Realize that a toxic person can drain your energy, health, well-being, and sanity. Detaching is not only healthy but may be exactly what you need to restore you. Because of our Christian teaching on humility, kindness, and self-sacrifice, we sometimes get the impression that to set boundaries and consequences is wrong. We believe that we must endure and take whatever someone dishes out on us. When we give someone permission to repeatedly sin against us without consequences, we enable them to sin. Sometimes the best thing we can do with someone who openly continues to sin is to part company with them. This process can help us to forgive them and pray for them regularly. A lot of the times if we stay engaged in a relationship that is toxic we can end up bitter, angry, and resentful. We are to keep peace, and one of the best ways to keep peace may be to detach in love.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

What suggestions do you have to deal with a toxic family member?



Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Word of Encouragement from the Counselor’s Corner: When Carrying the Burdens of Others Becomes Heavy


Most are familiar with the scripture from Galatians 6:2,”Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. “But what happens when this is out of balance, or you have a very tender heart and carrying other’s burdens makes you feel heavy?

 I thought it was my “Christian duty” to help, listen, and provide emotional support to WHOEVER needed it and WHENEVER they needed it. But, I was drowning while I was trying to uphold the burdens of everyone else. Burden bearers are sensitive people and can perceive the emotional distress and pain of others, they often “carry” the weight of what is being told to them. They also have a misunderstanding of the scripture form Galatians 6:2, and take that scripture to mean at all costs!

I am naturally a helper and I will give you all of myself even if I have nothing left to give. However, I realized some things, “Does God really want us to carry the burdens of everyone until we are sick or heavy emotionally?” I came to the conclusion that for me to maintain proper health, I could no longer do what I did before. There had to be changes to be made.

 I have learned to limit my time talking with people on the phone or in person, to save energy and boundaries with my time. I used to talk with people for hours, usually about their problems and needs. But now I limit how long I speak to others. I have limits and boundaries on my time, before I had none. If someone wanted to meet me to talk or to have lunch, I would find myself there with them all day, while they laid their cares upon me. People can usually sense when you are tender, caring, compassionate, and a good listener, and some WILL take advantage of that. Now, I will listen for a short time, and then offer to pray immediately. I have learned that sometimes talking it all out with someone drains me emotionally, but praying with them does not. I have also learned that sometimes others have to carry their own loads and be responsible for their lives. I cannot take responsibly for the actions of others. Sometimes, I do well in just carrying my own load, much less the loads of others. I have also learned that everything I hear or are exposed to, that I surrender it immediately to God. Then I wait on God, to tell me to what to do. Sometimes, it is simply to just intercede in prayer. I am learning not to feel the crushing weight that I do when I know someone is in pain or in trouble. How? By praying continually for relief and for their situation. I also ask God to cover me and shield me from all demonic exposure and false responsibly and heavy burdens.

 I am certain God does not want us carrying the burdens of others until we are wiped-out physically, mentally or spiritually.

We can listen to others, but don’t allow them to consume all your energy and time. If someone is going through a crisis, of course, you may give a little more of your time; such as when someone experiences a death. But when the same person, with the same problems wants to continually talk, and talk, and talk and deplete you of your energy; it’s time to put limits.

There are some people who are used by the enemy to wear you out and bankrupt you emotionally and spiritually. Ask yourself how you feel after you speak with them or are around them?

You will know because they have the SAME problems, they really don’t listen to anything you say to them, and you feel heavy, burdened, and exhausted after speaking with them.

Reflection Questions: What changes do you believe God is asking of you to enjoy your life and not be riddled with false guilt and heavy burdens of others?  Do you believe taking care of yourself is important? How is your emotional health? Physical health? Spiritual health? Do you tend to go around the “same mountains” with the same people? Is it time to release your loved ones to the only One who can help?




Monday, April 24, 2017

Counselor’s Corner: Traits Jesus is looking for in His Followers


Now when Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on a mountainside and sat down.
His disciples came to Him, and He began to teach them
The Beatitudes
He said:
 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:1-12


Reflect and ponder: Is your heart’s desire to look more like Jesus or the world?

Counselor’s Corner: This article is an in-depth look at each trait that Jesus discussed on the Sermon in the Mount.   Have reflection time after reading through each one. Though as followers of Christ we may not embody each trait perfectly, but our hearts must want to align with the traits. We then surrender what we cannot do on our own, and ask the Holy Spirit to align our hearts to His desires for us.


Poor in Spirit:

Poor in spirit is referring to our relationship with God. It is the opposite of arrogant self-confidence. It is the deepest form of repentance. It acknowledges our desperate need for God. We acknowledge we can do nothing on our own or in our own strength. When we come to God we must realize our own sin and our spiritual emptiness. We must not be self-satisfied or proud in our hearts, thinking we do not really need God.

“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

Mourning:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. We can mourn for repentance, consequences of sin, over persecution, sins of God’s people and sincere concerns for the church. The Holy Spirit in us can grieve over our sins and the sins of others. So this type of mourning may be more referring to a spiritual mourning.

Meekness:

A Greek translation of meekness can be translated as gentle. Dictionary.com defines meekness as humble, patient or docile, gentle.
Synonyms for meekness: forbearing, yielding, unassuming, calm, soft. Ask.com defines meek as a word to describe one’s character meaning humble in spirit. It could also mean to have a feeling of patience, submissiveness, and humbleness.

In the Old Testament the meek are those wholly relying on God rather their own strength. Gentleness and meekness is the opposite of self-assertiveness and self-interest. It stems from trust in God’s goodness and control over the situation. The gentle person is not occupied with self at all.
Meek does not mean weak! Gentleness or meekness is not weakness, nor is it belittling of oneself. Gentleness can be described as a considerate or kind disposition, not harsh or severe; mild and soft and easily managed. Humble can be defined as someone who does not think they are better than, or more important than others. Humble means not proud or arrogant. A humble person never demands their own ways (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Humility is the opposite of pride, haughtiness, being puffed-up, boasting, self-will, self-glory, and self-promotion. Humility does not seek personal recognition. Humble people esteem others better than oneself. Humility is not timidity or a self-degrading attitude towards self.

Righteousness:

An important part of righteousness is that a person is honest, dependable, and trustworthy. One is faithful towards God and others. A righteous person will live morally upright, fair, and in an upright manner.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines righteousness as morally good; following religious or moral laws.

Synonyms: decent, ethical, honorable, just, moral, right, virtuous.
Antonyms: bad, dishonest, evil, evil-minded, immoral, indecent, sinful, wicked, unethical, wicked, unrighteous.

Greek words that are used to describe unrighteousness:
Anomia: Lawbreakers; Hamartia: Sinners; Atheist: Those who do not believe in God.

Unrighteous Acts:

Greed                           Not honoring agreements
Envy                             Not loving your family
Murder                         Not being merciful
Arguing                        Being sexually immoral
Deceitfulness               Worshipping idols
Gossiping                     Committing adultery
Slandering                    Practicing homosexuality
Not believing in God   Thievery
Pride                             Drunkenness
Bragging                       Insulting
Being angry                  Extorting
Being disobedient to parents

Mercy:

Mercy can be defined as compassion or forgiveness shown towards someone whom it is within one’s power to punish them. The Pharisees in their self-righteous judgments showed little mercy. The truly merciful are too aware of their own sins to deal with others in condemnation and judgment. The merciful person is sensitive to others needs. When we must judge another person we should be careful because we really do not know their situations and their hearts. Jesus, in the Beatitudes says that those who show mercy are given mercy.

Pure in Heart:

Meaning being clean or free from stains or shame; free from adulteration; it denotes a physical, religious and moral cleanliness. Being pure in heart goes deep. The Bible makes it clear that worshiping God cannot be an outward function, but must come from the inside (the heart). Being pure in heart means we are in right relationship with God and with others. We have to guard and preserve our heart. The pure in heart are those who seek to stay free from sin.

Peacemaker:

Peacemaking seeks to produce right relationships between persons. Those that sow discord, slander, and gossip are not peacemakers. Holding grudges, busybodies, and the disagreeable do not promote peacemaking. Peacemakers are needed in our homes, churches, and in the marketplace. Quarreling, arguing, and wanting to be right provides an opportunity for the enemy to cause division and strife.
Peace means tranquility, harmony; absence of strife. The Hebrew meaning, Shalom means peace. 

True peace never evades the issues by “sweeping them under the rug,” but deals with them by building the right bridges and moving through the pain until harmony is established. Sometimes the way to lasting peace includes addressing issues which will be painful to work through. Truth and righteous are just as important as peace. Jesus taught that sometimes faithful followers would cause strife with loved ones. Paul implies not all strife can be avoided when following Christ, however, we should do what we can to be at peace with others.

Persecuted:

The NIV states blessed are you when people insult you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of God. Jesus called those who lived out these traits blessed. To Jesus, blessed means the experience of hope and joy, independent of outward circumstances.

Barnes commentary notes on Matthew 5:10: Blessed are they which are persecuted. To persecute means literally to pursue; follow after. Here it means to vex, oppress one on account of one’s religion.



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