This article is dedicated to the countless women that
have struggled with maintaining and having healthy friendships with other
women. I write from my own struggles in this area as well as what I hope to
leave you with some hope and encouragement.
So many women I know have
deep scars from rejection and betrayal. It has left many in a state of distrust
and brokenness. As women when we love, we love deeply, for most women we give
our all in our relationships. But what happens to the women who feel the sting
of rejection and betrayal? It can leave a woman fearful to have intimate
relationships, especially, women who have been scarred numerous times. If a
woman comes from a background of abuse she will feel the pain of rejection and
betrayl even more.
We may have tried
countless times to have intimate relationships with other women, but each
relationship ended in some devastating way and we are now more guarded, more
careful. Should we be that way as Christian women? The answer is not that
simple. I can tell you that we are not supposed to fear and we are to be
vulnerable to others, but I can also say this as a counselor and as someone who
has been through my share of failed relationships with women that it takes time
to trust again and opening yourself up to another immediately is not healthy or
recommended. You could easily get hurt again if you take the plunge into a
relationship that just started. Be gentle with yourself if you have been
wounded and feel like you are not able to trust. I would even recommend that if
you have been very wounded in relationships that before you step out and start
forming relationships with others that you heal your relationship with God
first and then yourself.
If you have just one
valuable friend, then you are blessed. But even more so, Jesus wants and
desires to be your best friend. You can tell Him anything and He will never
judge you nor betray you in any way. Your personality trait may be more
introvert and if that is the case don’t try and force yourself to have numerous
friendships or force yourself to be in awkward social situations. You may prefer
the company of one, and that is okay. Someone else may prefer the company of
many and that is okay, but never try and be something you’re not! God will
change you if He wills and can even change your personality if He wills, but if
that does not happen, then embrace who God made you.
You may be in a time in
your life that you have few if any friends and you feel like a loser and a
failure, but you are none of those things. You are valuable, precious and have
worth. God knows where you’re at and at the right time, He will bring others in
your path who will love and accept you for who you are. Don’t push or rush
ahead of God’s time. You may feel the sting of being lonely and that is not
easy, but you are never alone, God is always there. If you are in a season
where you have limited friendships, let God be your friend and when God prompts
you to reach out to others, do so.
You may not feel accepted
by other people and feel rejected but God does love you and He does accept you.
Begin to reach out to others slowly as God leads you to. Maybe you can join a
Bible study at a church or attend a women’s event. Just start being around
other women, even if it is in a group. Start slow and allow God to heal your
inside, your soul. Know you’re not alone, there are countless other women who
have felt the pain of rejection and betrayal.
You might even wonder what
the hallmarks of a healthy relationship looks like. I have complied a list of
healthy traits to look for from my personal experience and what God has taught
me during painful times of experiencing rejection and betrayal. Look for these
the next time you are wanting to engage in friendship with someone. It is not
important that exhibit all of the traits but should have more of the positive
traits then not. It is hard to say to a woman who has been hurt and wounded, “Just
make more friends, open yourself up, or you have to trust again.” Saying those
things to a woman who has been hurt is like pouring salt on her wounds. She knows
what she needs to do, but her heart that gives so freely and loves so much can’t
seem to force herself to go through more pain and trauma.
Traits
to look for in healthy friendships:
1.
Do they follow Christ? Not just go to church
but are they Disciples of Christ? Do they produce good “fruit?”
2.
Are they emotionally, spiritually, mentally stable?
3.
Are they financially responsible? Good
stewards of their time and money?
4.
Are they “emotional vampires?” Do they “suck”
the life out of you or enhance your life?
5.
Do they want all your time? Are they jealous
of your relationships with others?
6.
Do you place their friendship above your spouses
(if married) and do you spend more time with them then your spouse?
7.
Are they your best friend or is your husband
if you’re married?
8.
Do they run to you to gossip or to talk
endlessly about problems instead of praying?
9.
Do you feel energized after being with them
or drained?
10. Are
they respectful of your time? Do they expect you to spend ALL day with them
verses a few hours?
11. Are
they respectful with your spouse? No calling, texting, emailing, or touching
without your permission.
12. Do
you do more fun things together than talking about their problems?
13. Are they
concerned about what you are going through and ask you what they can do to help
you?
14. Do
you pray together frequently and share God’s word?
15. Do
they make you feel guilty? Do you feel pressure to have to see them?
16. Do
you feel tempted to sin if you are around them?
17. Do
they live unrepented, sinful lifestyles?
18. Do
you discern that something is not right, you just can’t put your finger on what
it is?
19. They
don’t have any other friends but you, and they tell you that frequently.
20. Is
the most important person in their life Jesus Christ and this is evident in
their lives?
21. Are
you compatible? Do you like the same things? Does the conversation flow or is
it forced? Are you compatible spiritually? In other words do you believe and
operate in the spiritual gifts but your friend does not believe in spiritual
gifts?
22. Are
they negative or faith-filled more? Are they victims of their circumstances or
victors over their circumstances?
23. Do
they have boundaries?
You are not alone and there are ways to heal and form
healthy relationships. Take your time and let God bring those friendships into
your path. Pray that God will bring the friendships He desires for you into
your life. If you have been hurt in friendships, than sit back, relax and let
God pick your friends. Tell God how you feel and let Him sort it out for you,
and don’t worry about a thing!
If you need encouragement, prayer, or even would like to
participate in online counseling for women, you can contact me@ www.christianhopecounseling.com
or through Gospel Guidance@ www.gospelguidance.com/5311-sreck
I would love to hear from you! Share your story with me and
send me an email@ Stephanie.christianhopecounseling.com